It was 10 after 6:00 on a light-foggy Friday evening when I walked out of the dialysis center and as I approached my vehicle, I noticed both my Mom and my wife waiting for me in the parking lot, which besides their glooming smile, was the very first signs of a obvious red flag. “Hi mijo,” said my mother without smiling as my wife opened the back door for me to get in without saying a word. “Man...this is serious” I thought. We sat in silence for a few minutes and my wife still hadn’t turned on the car. “Ok...what’s wrong?” I asked. They both looked at each before saying anything as if they were wondering, who was going to be the bravest one to break the bad news. Finally my Mother spoke out, “They say your Dad has cancer...mijo.” At that instant it felt as if someone had just shot me through the windshield and struck me directly in the chest. I was already feeling like shit coming out of dialysis and now I started to have breathing problems and something was making me sick to my stomach. I was shocked. “Whaa...my Dad?” I thought, “The most healthiest person I know!” I actually thought this was someone’s idea of a sick joke. “Who in the hell said this?” I demanded. “His doctor” replied my Mother. She then went on to tell me about how my Father was diagnosed with a small cyst in his prostate that was cancerous, which I already knew, but according to the physician, the cyst was so tiny that it did not pose any danger, in fact, it was so small that there was no need of taking any anti-cancer medication, so of course, no concern from anybody was initiated until my Father went back years later for a follow-up medical exam and it was then discovered that this tiny cancerous cyst had traveled to his bladder. ‘What happened with the cyst that did not pose any danger story?” I said. “He made a mistake” replied my Mother. “Oh no he didn’t make a mistake..Mom!” I said, “We made the mistake by choosing that damm doctor! So what happens now? Do I lose my Dad just like I lost my cousin? Why not!” I hollered, “ I lost Peter..I lost my kidneys...and now I’m going to lose my Pops...why not...let’s just destroy my whole damm life once and for all!” “Don’t be saying things like that...June!” said my Mother harshly, “They are going to give your Father chemo for a couple of months...the Dr. thinks that should stop the cancer.” “Or make him their Guinea pig” I replied.
We didn’t say a word to each other on our way back home. After we dropped off my Mom, I didn’t want to talk to anybody, so I went straight to the bedroom and laid in our bed. After a few minutes, my wife went to check on me and noticed that I was crying uncontrollably, so she panicked and called my sister, Mari, who immediately came to the rescue. “What’s wrong?”she asked, “Mom told you..huh” I nodded my head as I embarrassingly wiped the tears from my face. “Mom didn’t say it quite right” she said, “Look...the cancer is still small..they think with a couple of more chemo treatments it will kill it.” “Or just say they made another mistake!” I replied. I know I was being negative about the whole ordeal, but that’s the way my life was going at the time. “Hey it could be worse” said Mari “They say if you are going to get cancer it’s best for men to get it in the prostate gland because it’s a lot slower than getting it elsewhere.” After talking some more for several minutes, I felt better and my sister’s advice had brought me hope that I would be able to cling on to my old man for just a little bit longer.
Six months had passed and my Father already completed his chemo sessions (without losing a single strand of hair) but a few weeks later he started to complain about getting frequent headaches so another follow-up exam to the same doctor sadly revealed that my Father’s prostate cancer had now traveled to the back portion of his head and was slowly progressing...my Pops was running out of time! In desperation, I called several cancer clinics and institutions in attempts to prolong my Father’s life, but they all came to the same conclusion upon seeing his medical records. “It’s too late...you should of come to us sooner!” They might as well have stabbed me in the heart with a dull knife instead of telling me those very words, which have haunted me and my family ever since. Why didn’t we? I kept asking myself, but I couldn’t answer that question except for out of pure ignorance and undeserved trust...my Father deserved far better...at least one more try...but no-one ever gave him that chance!
The next following months my Father’s condition became worse and he constantly was in pain, so he spend most of the time in bed. We tried to have a hospice company help us out, but my Mother was not very happy with their crumbing way of taking care of him, so she chased them away and between her, my sister, my brother-in law, Abraham (great guy) and my dear beautiful niece, Olivia, made their best effort to make my Pops feel as comfortable as they possibly can. Hey you guys did a awesome job and don’t let anybody tell you less! During my Father’s last few months, I started to visit him more frequently as much as I could physically could trying not to waste any precious time in between without seeing him, in fact, there was another empty bed in the same bedroom, so I decided to spend nights whenever I had the chance and didn’t have to go to dialysis the following day, which reminded me how my Father used to sleep next me when we use to live out in the country where I slept alone in my own bedroom...so now it was my turn..Pops. He sometimes would wake up in the middle of the night and see me laying there and would ask my Mom, who frequently made checks on him, for an explanation. “Because he wants to be” she said. “But he needs to be with his wife and kids” my Father would say. Then one day, he asked me that very same question and I told him that I just wanted to be there with him. “You have your wife and family mijo...you need to be with them” “Pops there is no other place in this whole wide world that I rather be than to be right here with you” I replied. I then went to use the family bathroom down the hallway and where a sudden reality check would hit me and I’m not ashamed to say that I would spend the next half-hour crying to myself daring not to have my Father overhear me. “I’m going to lose him” I thought, “My Father...my teacher...my mentor...my hero...my friend... and there is absolutely nothing I could do about it!”
Then one morning toward the end of May, my Mother called me, “Mijo...can you come over” I knew at that point why she wanted me over the house.” And I was right...my father had just passed away. I didn’t cry though because I knew for once my Father was no longer in pain but in peace sitting right next to the good Lord. I placed my hand on his chest as he laid there motionless, “It’s ok Papa...it’s ok” I said repeatedly “We will be fine” For I knew he was worried about what was going to happen to his family once he left us. He had a beautiful funeral and all his remaining family and friends went to see my Father for one last time and when they placed him in the ground, I knew at the time, that he wasn’t really in that coffin, but actually with us overseeing that no harm would come toward us, which he still does till this day.
So those of you who are fortunate enough to have your parents still alive...embrace them and let them know how much you care and love them..you have...well go back and tell them again and again until they are totally convinced because believe me when I tell you this, people, once they are gone...they are gone...forever! Some of you definitely know what I’m talking about so don’t wait until it happens because then you will find yourself in the same situation I am where the only time I could see my Father is when I look at old photographs of him that sit on my Mother’s shelves or on her walls and sometimes a occasional browse through the family album. At times without even thinking about it I get a lucky break and have the golden opportunity to talk to him where he still gives me important advice, but it is only in my dreams...only in my dreams...man...I miss you Dad especially now more than ever where I really need you by my side like you have been all my life when you were here, but I guess I’m just being selfish and only the good Lord knows why he took you away from us...until I see you again Pops..I love you!!
