Every day was the same routine, first it was the early morning blood draw at 5:30 am, followed by breakfast at 7:00 am, then the nerve racking Doctor's visit between 9:00-11:00 am. hoping for good news that will finally relieve my worrisome anticipation. Afterwards, I resorted to whatever’s left of my future whether it involved special treatments to my pre-existing medical condition or fulfilling and cherishing the counted days of my life existence I have left in this world, but as usual, I receive the same answer, “We need to conduct more tests,” which returned my heart, my mind and my spirit back to the dreaded life of despair. After weeks of follow-up examinations with no light at the end of the tunnel and mentally preparing my wife on how to survive life without me, I finally succumbed to what I had feared the most...extreme depression and questionable fate.
I began to realize that everything I have accomplished in life only consisted of pleasing one person .....myself! Never had I given much thought in helping others or have I contributed to any charity or needy organization. That night, before reciting the Lord’s prayer for mercy, I began to wonder if I were to died and I found myself standing in the presence of the good Lord, what would I say if he asks “What have you done to benefit your fellow man.” Surely, I could not lie to him nor can I invent some excuse that will convince him to allow me through the golden gates of Heaven. “What a selfish fool I was” were the words blurted from my lips. I asked in prayer for the Lord's forgiveness for my self-contained greediness and yet above all else, I egotistically requested for a favor with a promised commitment that I would donate to several charities and attend church on a regular basis of my preferred religion. The following day in the presence of my wife, the doctor entered my room unexpectedly with a piece of paper in hand “Cruz! you don’t have the disease!" He said with a cheerful smile “Here...see for yourself” Under the lab results in bold letters were the following words “No evidence of Lymphoma”...I was going home!
I remembered telling myself on the way home from the hospital, how thankful I was to the Lord and that I will fulfill all the promises I had made to him. For the next three months, I attended church on every Sunday and contributed to various charitable organizations, but later in the year, I moved to another city and found myself barely making ends meet where I turned around and used as an excuse to skip church services because it was too far to travel and I convinced myself that the good Lord will understand my absences due to my financial instability and physical handicap with the same reasoning behind the inconsistency of charitable spending supported by my self-denial that I did not have a nickel to spare, but yet always had a dime to waste at the casinos or some other pleasurable recreation.
One Saturday afternoon, I made plans to go to my mother's house after I picked up my monthly paycheck and perhaps take her to the 5 o'clock mass so that I can gratify my obligation of helping her cope with the loneliness and misery of my father's passing and perhaps add a positive mark to my lagging track record of church attendance, but first I needed to travel to a nearby town to cash my check before the bank closed or I would not have enough money to comfortably enjoy the weekend. On my arrival, I noticed the bank was closed because of the town's yearly festival and the next bank closes to me was back at my hometown, which was about forty-five minutes away, so I decided to cancel all my church plans and as I was calling to disappoint my mother, I received a phone call from my wife. I explained to her about my situation and of my next step, and she told me that I needed to pick-up her brother from his house so that he could repair our dryer, but he was not going to be home at the time for several hours. I tried to persuade her that we needed money for the weekend, but she was adamant about fixing the dryer. So I asked her "Shall I go to church then?" which she replied "Well...there's no other better place to buy some time."
So I met up with my devoted Catholic mother at the church, but as I entered inside I suddenly began to feel lightheaded due to the usual occurances of my declining bloodpressure. During this time, Father Raul was lecturing about the ten Leopards, who were eventually cured by Jesus Christ, but only one of them returned to to show him any gratitude, while the other ungrateful nine carried on with their lives without so much as giving him a thank you. At that moment my lightheadiness disappeared as I saw a beam of light gazing on top of the holy cross, which was where I suddenly realized " Am I one of the nine Leopards! Here I am attending church to accomodate a inconvenience, and not for the sake of the Lord nor for the good intentions of my mother .
Did I not make a promise to God that I would devote some time for him and work on improving his attempts to better mankind? Where is my gratitude for his cure on me? Why have I not returned to thank him? I turned to my mother, who was in deep prayer and I remembered the guilt I felt inside of not being there for the only other true mentor in my life, besides the Lord, which was my father on the day he passed away and now here I am treating my mother's companionship as an obligation rather than a desirable privilege!
"What a selfish fool I was and what a selfish fool I still am." I said to myself as I got down on my knees with the urged to cry, but instead, I asked the Lord for his forgiveness and thanked him for showing me the short journey of my wrongdoings. I only had a few dollars in my pocket and as the ushers passed the collection basket, I told myself that I was giving every penny to the good Lord and to the fellowship of his church. I wanted to go home with absolutely nothing in my wallet nor in my pockets. This was the very least I can sacrifice for this priceless teaching that was provided by my Creator, my Saviour...my true Father. This is what I truly deserved to hold nothing of value on me except for a new unselfish beginning of my heart, soul and spirit. Thank You Lord for this personal blessing and insight you had given me. Thank you for the re-opening of my eyes and Christian virtue once again. Thank you for finally ridding of my selfish ways and foolish past behaviors. And most of ..oh good Lord....Thank You for this wonderful and valuable lesson!
No comments:
Post a Comment